22 April 2022
If you make repairs with meaning and style, it only deepens the beauty of the garment.
This is the mindset of Sashiko stitching & embroidery. Two years ago, I was watching several stitching & patchwork videos by this Japanese artist named Mutsu. It was the honeymoon phase of the pandemic.. passing time by picking up droppable hobbies, hankering to play the most non-socially distanced game of basketball upon watching the Michael Jordan Last Dance doc series, anxiously occupying your mind away from the death of so much, including the denial of privilege. I was back in South Dakota “taking care” of my parents, which meant going to the grocery store and running other errands so as to not expose them to the virus. Remember that rationale?? Lol. I was heartbroken for many reasons, but did genuinely enjoy spending so much time with the two folks who raised me. Since losing my dad, I’m especially grateful for those 5 or so months of lockdown. We all made some important repairs to our relationships, hemming the loose ends of a complex upbringing. I even learned how to sew, too!
Since we last spoke I’ve been working to repair a couple of things within myself by starting therapy. Time will tell if these repairs render any sort of beauty, but I’m grateful that i was able to assess where the damage is. A few weeks back my therapist & I decided that since I’ve made some meaningful progress, we’ll take the month of April off & see how I fare. I’ve been mentally raw-dogging reality for a few weeks now. Please rate my overall wellbeing in the comments below.
My hope would be that with my internal repairs come external acceptance. Accepting that the world isn’t in anyone’s control, answering with custom affirmations of safety, comfort, and love.
I got FUCKING COVID again. COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM ISOLATION STATION IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA. AS I WAS SET TO STAR IN A ROLE FOR THE HIT TV SHOW *********** ****, THE VIRAL PHENOMENON SWEEPING THE GLOBE WITH ITS BRISTLED BROOM OF DOOM SMITED ME A 2ND TIME. I tested 3 times before my travels, all of which were negative. But here we are team. I’m doing fine — as I type this, I barely have any symptoms. The booster helps..? I’m not even sure at this point. At least I infected my mom this time.
COVID has taken away a really great opportunity from me. It feels unfair & overwhelming. Alas, a life of loss prepares you for this type of pain. Gee I’m just dramatic like that sometimes. I’m not alone either. Loved ones have shown much support during the past couple of days. THANK YOU TO MOM, MICA, KINSALE, MIKE, DA, STERLIN, BEKA, ASHLEY, TAZ.
But.. yeah this is trash. Fortunately there are other avenues in my career that are going well (knock on wood; tap that timber), so I’m grateful for that. It is odd though, the two times I’ve been cast in major roles, each were taken away because of something completely outside of my jurisdiction. Is that a sign to give up my dreams of being a Hollywood Big Boy Acting Man? Not necessarily.. maybe it’s just a sign that life is not a buffet. Too much choice in life renders worthless. Life is a portioned, multi-course meal served to you — all chef’s choice — within a quaint, boutique eatery. I don’t really rock with buffets like that anyhow. Putting wet spaghetti & sushi & green jello on the same plate, kissing up on one another.. Kenny Chesney song plays throughout while some sticky white children poke at the coy fish in their tank.. years of food droppings coat the red carpet, newly adorned with swirls of chocolate sauce and stale croutons. Too much choice in life renders worthless. Does that analogy make sense? Don’t forget to rate my wellbeing.
As I was saying, I’m repairing my internals with intent. A big intention is my further acceptance of grief. That was put to the test this past week, where I once again attended a funeral back in Pine Ridge. Ugh. This time it was for my uncle Aaron. He was a big part of my life, one of the regulars who was always around. Father to my cousins who are all around my same age. He had recently became a grandpa, which he loved so much. I’d get weekly pictures from him on Facebook of his grandson with the caption “NINNY BOY JUST LIKE HIS MOM SHE WAS ON THE TIT TILL SHE WAS 8.” A family of writers, indubitably. He became a good dad & great grandpa. It’s truly devastating & makes no sense. I’m glad I was able to go back for the services for my cousins, having known what it’s like to scrounge together a funeral for the person who you need most in those moments. There were beautiful moments shared. So many laughs, so much food, served buffet-style (I was mourning so let me be). My cousins & I took an oath that next time we see each other, it won’t be because of loss. We’ve been losing some major players in our tiospaye as of late, so we want to celebrate these lives while we’re still living them.
The stitchings on my little secret garments are slowly becoming beautiful, informed by what’s been going on in my little life. Unfortunately I can’t disclose too much of what I’m doing, but it’s exciting! To any fans who read this.. oh boy!! You’ll be excited to know what’s to come :) April 26th, 2022. Keep it locked for that. But I can tell you what’s literally happening as this very moment. I’m typing this diary entry while a chorus of shrieking dogs from outside my hotel soundtrack the evening’s descent into dusk. I’m on FaceTime with my girlfriend Kinsale as she also types. She’s writing a graduation speech for a high school out in Monument Valley. This time last year I was writing a graduation speech for Lame Deer High School in Montana, so I just sent it to her potential inspiration. The lovely thing about being in love with another writer is that not only can we aptly describe our love to one another, but also give feedback on each other’s work. We’re also both highly sensitive & overwork ourselves for little compensation! lol. Once my immune system is stitched back up to style, I’m flying to see her & my family in DC for a few days. That’ll be so nice! At this juncture, I go where the love is.
I’ve been working less on my own music, which is goodly scary. For the past 4-5 years, I had a strict code of conduct. My music was my all, crafting these conceptual pieces of art, meticulously sculpting each & every component until they were finished & whole. Some say that works of art are never truly finished, but I don’t follow that. Maybe folks believe that perfection & finality are synonymous? Something can be finished & imperfect. That’s everything I’ve ever done. I love executing ideas & wandering off to go start the new thing. I’ve been wandering longer and deeper than usual. But for good measure and with meaning and style. I’m traveling, sharing my life with someone else for the first time, trying to enjoy what I’ve denied myself since I began this career. Art was my coping mechanism for loneliness. Now that I’m not as lonely, art’s meaning is changing. Still as much of a necessity as before, but with less fervor to shroud my unspoken repairs.
If you make it to this point of reading my rumbling and bumbling thoughts, and want to know the title of my next project, email buffalopastrami@gmail.com with the subject line containing your favorite emoji. No description.
Alright y’all, I hope you’re making your life’s repairs with meaning and style. I’m gonna go finish this film my sister recommended called Nine Days. Here are some other pieces of work made by folks whose garments are masterfully stitched and beautifully repaired. Talk soon.
Rothaniel (2022), standup special by Jerrod Carmichael, Dir. Bo Burnham
I finished Rothaniel & restarted it immediately. I don’t remember the last time I did that for anything.
MOTOMAMI (2022), album by Rosalía
The production choices on this record.. ugh.. LOVE. Fav songs right now are “BULERÍAS,” “BIZCOCHITO” & “DELIRIO DE GRANDEZA”
A Little Devil in America (2021), book by Hanif Abdurraqib
Lovely read recommended to me by my mom.
Magic relies on what a viewer is willing to see, and what a viewer is willing to see relies on what the world has afforded them to be witness to