27 June 2023
Since 2021 I’ve kept with me a quote book. I don’t know about you but I tend to surround myself with absurd people. I guess that says something about me. I really really really cherish the people who come & go from my life, so I wanted to start this ongoing, public oversharing exercise with a few quotes. I’m just gonna randomly choose:
At my cousin’s funeral. “You’re a pallbearer? I thought your last name was Standing Soldier” - Eden 10/23/21
“When you’re getting better, you’re healing the generations to come and the ancestors who came before you” - Mom 12/30/21
“There are 9 sperm banks within a 20 mile radius” - Bri 4/2/2022
Picking up my younger cousin from gymnastics.
“When was this car last in South Dakota?”
“January.”
“But it’s January this month.”
“It’s June.”
“Yeah well… I don’t keep track of that stuff.” - Harmony & Mato 6/7/2022
“We gotta stay on top of our freakdom” - Laura aka Fox 9/20/22
“You can keep ‘em just give ‘em back one day” - Grandma 12/10/22
“I was never asexual. Turns out I just had low iron” - Vann 12/19/2022
“How a relationship starts is how it’s gonna go” - Zoey 2/13/2023
“My cousin’s Wii strap was so grimy” - DA 2/26/2023
“I’m Salish so I don’t get wrapped up in the hype” - Arianna 4/11/2023
Backstage at Coachella
“All I do is get hotdogs” - Tru 4/23/2023
“You can make a pussy candle & still feel bad” - Pauline 5/2/2023
“That one famous director loves Rez Dogs. Guatemala Del Toro” - Nathan 5/19/2023
“Next time you wanna save someone, go to the pound & get a dog” - Pearl, Spring 2012
I skipped a lot of quotes.
I’m feeling writerly because I’m halfway through Ocean Vuong’s latest poetry book Time Is a Mother (2022). Since his last book On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous (2019), his mom & my dad have both passed. I don’t think they knew each other but I knew that I was in for some tears. The poem that burst my blubber bubble was literally just a list of monthly Amazon purchases that his mom made leading up to her death. Oh man.. He’s so good. Those invisible lines of communication between text.
From these diary entries, I may come across as scholarly, always reading the riveting prose of lauded authors across time. I’m really not. Alright fuck you. Maybe I am. But I don’t really be reading all the time. I just got this book at The Last Bookstore with my friend Alex.
At The Last Bookstore was the first time I met the last love of my life. Damn OCEAN VUONG HAS GOT ME IN A MOOD.
Storytime.
June 2019. I was meeting someone for the first time. We chose The Last Bookstore as our rendezvous. I wore two shirts because I knew my pits had plans to out themselves through at least one layer of cotton. I sweat when I’m nervous. We met, hugged, it was cute & shit whatever. I invited a third friend because I didn’t want there to be any unwanted romantic implications. Years later I would learn that the auxiliary invitee wasn’t necessary. It was right before Father’s Day & this someone had plans to buy two books, one of which being a gift for their dad. Up to this point in my life I don’t think I had ever gotten my dad a Father’s Day present, let alone a book. My logic was we’re Native, we don’t celebrate holidays. Or read. But when you want to impress someone you’re in love with, you’ll do damn near anything. So I took their lead & began to search for a book that I thought my dad would like to read. After 12 seconds I called him & asked what book he would like to read.
Hi Sonny Son Son.
Hey Dad. I’m at this bookstore & have no ulterior motives by asking you what I’m about to ask you... what kind of book can I send to you for Father’s Day?
Oh, right on. There’s this Hitler book that –
Now, I don’t remember what kind of book that this someone bought their dad, but my dad.. My daddy-o.. Whose wife & kids are descendants of a Holocaust survivor.. requested Hitler, humbly.
So this someone & I embarked on a less-than romantic scavenge through The Last Bookstore to find a specific Hitler book for my dad. We would fall in love a few years later. Not my dad & I.. this someone & I.
I bring this all up because the other book that this someone bought that day was On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong! Life is poetry. Returning to The Last Bookstore to purchase his most recent work was an ode to Ocean. An ode to my dad. An ode to someone. I keep what I see in the rearview closer than they appear.
It felt sunny seeing Alex yesterday, riding around our college town of Los Angeles together again. We used to take the train but now I have a car that I bought off the lot & drove here, per my cousin and I’s exquisite exchange. He’s a scorpio too, so when we hang out we trim the chitchat fat & get straight into our sociocultural kinks. We were also both fat kids so there’s a huge degree of trust between one another.
I saw him recently in New York City where he’s from. He attended my secret album listening party — men are horrible with surprises, per my Father’s Day gift attempt. The NYC party was so blissful! My big sister was there which meant the world to me, as well as several friends from all saunters of since. Some new friends, too. I brought Vann with me to NYC because we both longed to resuscitate our romance for the city. You can ask him, but I think we accomplished our mission. Stayed with my sis from another Ms., the extraordinary Ms. Bren. Ate all of the food. Got a tattoo! Shoutout to Arianna & Somah. Saw some live music from one Mei Semones (one of Vann’s fav artists) & one Standing On The Corner (one of my fav artists). Was accosted by an Italian man. Rekindled with Pauline! New York nourished, & for the first time I felt like I nourished it back.
From there I took the train down to DC & visited my fam bam. My nieces, nephew, brother & sister are transitioning into summer quite swimmingly. I don’t travel much at all for recreation so I was happy to see them & not have it be for work.
Anyone who lives with kids knows that once the sun peaks a boo over the horizon, it’s go time. My nephew woke me up one morning by asking to wrestle. I obliged, but in my groggy incoherence, I hastily threw in a load of laundry that contained my phone. It took me about 9 minutes to fully wake up & realize what I had done. I fetched it out & spent the rest of the morning doomscrolling (on that same phone), hoping that I could fix it before it died. I chose not to charge it the night before & when I would plug it in post-rinse cycle, the phone alerted me that there was water damage in the charging port. Once it died, it would be the end. So I thinly twisted a corner of a paper towel & lodged it up the phone’s port. & then the phone worked again. No website that I read said to do that. John Gourley of Portugal, The Man once spoke with me about Indigenous knowledge & I think this is what he was talking about.
After DC, the band & I headed to good ol’ South Dakota for a festival performance. We stayed with my mom, whom DA automatically called “mom”. South Dakota was a ball. I showed Vann & DA my former stomping grounds. They also got to witness me in full-blown local celebrità! That had them riled up haha. I’m used to it & am overall grateful to be embraced when I go back home. I was nervous for that all to change on Friday, June 16th, the day I released my music video for “FALL OUT BOY”.
Well that day came & went… nothing much had changed. That video is my first foray into showing certain parts of myself, which had me pitting out again. The next day we played the festival & it was nuts. My first time performing with in-ear monitors. For those who don’t know, in-ear monitors are those earbud-looking contraptions that performers sometimes wear so that we can better hear ourselves & the music. I usually cannot ever hear my vocals on stage, which has me shrieking off-key, scaring kids away & shit. In-ears help to mitigate that fear in children … & in myself. As Ocean Vuong states in his new book Time Is a Mother, “none of us are children long enough to love it” (24). That quote doesn’t have much to do with what we’re talking about, but neither does Toronto.
Up next in our journey was Toronto. Hours after we got off stage in South Dakota, we flew to Toronto & performed at yet another festival. Betwixt these performances, I announced to the world via Instagram & Forbes that my new album STANKFACE STANDING SOLDIER is coming soon! This has been years in the making. I don’t want to say much on that now, but expect a juicy thicc diary entry once the album releases.
Toronto was cool. We were inexplicably exhausted but we did our best to enjoy all of the city’s whims. My new friend Alex (Toronto Alex) invited us all to her rooftop for a swim where we watched a gaggle of fully clothed men throw each other into the pool. They’d steal each other’s phones & toss them into the water. I didn’t think my Indigenous knowledge would come in handy for them. Then we grilled out & lullabied the night black with stories and jokes.
Yesterday during lunch, NYC Alex affirmed my suspicions that I give off transient energy. No one knows where I’m at.
Right now, I’m in a foreign place that I’ll call home for a while. Coming up on the schedule is another listening party, this time all the way in Los Angeles. Then a few more festivals sprinkled about in the summer. I’ve also started to work on season 3 of Reservation Dogs. Each season I’m trusted more which is a really lovely feeling. While on set this season, one of the crew members told me that Sterlin, while shooting the series pilot, showed the cast my music video for “Stone Cold Lover”. To learn that the creative fabrics of the show & my own music are woven deeper than I had realized was really crazy for me. Y’all couldn’t be ready for this season if you tried.
Alright I’m off to find more quotes! I hope you do the same.