29 Dec. 2022
Oh Brandon, oh Tyler, oh Trenton. I miss you all. Oh Kenny, oh Marshawn, oh Thomas. Oh Demetrius, oh Trey, oh James. From the cliffs where you were reaching. I wish my hands could have appeared. Oh you dearly departed band of brothers, there are so many ways to leave the earth and my name will surely land upon one of them on a day I perhaps want to still be here, but I will think of you. My loves, I want to know if heaven is real only if you are promised to be in it. I do not fear death as much as I fear the uncertain dark. An eternity that doesn’t include a chance for me to make amends for all of the things that kept me from holding you close while you were breathing and telling you how much I didn’t understand about love. I know now that I have always loved you and now you are gone. I am trying to love better in your memory. I am trying to have less to apologize for. I have drawn the tattoo a thousand times. I haven’t yet found the skin worthy of your names.
An excerpt from A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance by Hanif Adurraqib
TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE 1890 WOUNDED KNEE MASSACRE. OUR REMEMBRANCE WALLOWS, WISHING TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR NAMES. YOUR SONGS ARE SUNG.
Before our annual solar rotation starts anew, let’s have a little check-in. A little “powwow”.. I didn’t know people still use that phrase unironically. The more you know, the less you want to.
2022 has been the longest of years. I aged a few lifetimes in the last 12 months. Is everyone else feeling the same? Man… I think back to the version of myself this time last year & shudder. Not necessarily from embarrassment or regret — I believe that all iterations of your personhood answer the front door when someone comes to knock. I value the lessons learned & I realize that I would never care to endure some of those experiences again.
What I’m about to say is rooted in a deep psychological analysis — albeit self-administered — conducted over the past month or so. These findings are not in accordance to & or in defiance of any particular variable. They’re subject to change, but as an artist, you gotta bask in the fleet of light that lanterns you to safety. This revelation of circumstance occurred amidst a game of baseball with my friend Vann.
*clears throat*
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. At least that I can remember. 25 years in the making, discovered while playing catch with Vann.
There ain’t no special recipe to the madness baby. None other than maybe lessening the amount of ingredients & grinding up your own spices. Pre-grinded herbs lose the essence of where they once grew.
I don’t know why I speak in flowery euphemisms in these diary posts lmao. i don’t ever talk like this, but this format brings something out of me. I missed the tumblr train so I guess this is me exploring digital poetics.
Anywho, yeah I’m dumb happy & it feels earned. The next album will detail what I’ve gone through in the past couple of years to get to this point.. wading in a maelstrom. It wasn’t all bad, it was just a lot. Do you feel like your life is measured by extremities? It’s either so amazing or so devastating.
We lost so much it hurts to touch how much I still love the future in us.
The happiness simply derives from making it out of this year with new lessons, my being intact. I have such solid company with me to share this all with. Tierra asked me “what makes you happy?” It was around 11pm & her dog Lucy was taking us on a walk through a December night in Inglewood. I was so cold that you might forget that I’m from South Dakota.
(OKAY QUICK ASIDE.. DO ANY OTHER MIDWESTERNERS FREEZE IN LA? 49 degrees with a slight breeze.. jesus christ I’m a mess. Shivering, nose on the run. Growing up, those temperatures warrant shorts & a t-shirt. Idk if I’ve just softened that much or it’s a placebo effect. I do think that when the temperature gets below freezing, your body goes into warrior mode. It’s 6 degrees out & I have to be at work in 12 minutes. The pipes froze last night because I forgot to leave the faucet running. Mom is pissed. My ice scraper broke, so I have to use this Traditional Ceremony Songs by the Porcupine Singers CD to rid my windshield of ice. For some reason I perform better in those climates than the less-than-desirable briskness of a winter’s night in LA).
Okay, so this walk. “What makes you happy?” I said a whole bunch of pretty things, one of which was that making my loves ones proud brings me happiness. But I now realize that I don’t even seek to make myself proud!! It’s just for others. When you’re aiming to please the outside, the growth of your joy is seeded within infertile soil. What if the rain & sunshine don’t show for a time? What if the ones you love leave?
I recently saw this play out. I was listed on 2023’s Forbes 30 under 30. When the news broke, folks came out of the woodworks to congratulate me. It felt really nice to make them proud. Did it make me intrinsically happy? Well, some not-so-cute words seized my joy. One jelly bean soured the whole chili. I attribute this to my shaky foundations of happiness. I can fall into this place of existing to please. Being an entertainer exacerbates. Praise comes as soon as it goes. What’s left?
From now on, I’m making myself proud of myself because that’s that I’m able to control. I hope that this journey makes my loved ones happy, but that can’t be the guiding principle any longer. I’m practicing this idea of self-measured joy more & more. Yesterday I went to my studio & ended up playing piano for six hours straight, learning new chords, writing new melodies. Doing for self. Creating insularly. Devoid of the versions of myself that I’ve engineered to seem likable (okay i did share with a few close by but it’s because i was excited <3). Every week I re-paint my nails, partly because it’s cute as shit & partly because it detracts me from biting them.
I guess happiness derives from self-care? I’m slow to the obvious. No joke, I didn’t practice self-care before like.. two months ago. Folks would ask “what’s your favorite hobby” … uhh… mixing my demos? That’s not a life, love.
Whoever has read this far, I don’t want you to think that my life is this vacuum of positivity & rainbow anal beads. An abundance of sorrow bears firm to my chest, resultant of recent family passings, heartbreak, my beanie being crooked throughout this entire video. Life extremities, you know? Gratitude has gotta guide.
I’m grateful that I was in the ICU with my cousin last week to give her company as she joined our long line of ancestors. I’m grateful that all parties survived a tumultuous time in our lives, always trying our best. I’m not grateful for the crooked beanie. There were like 8 ppl on set, someone could’ve told me.
In 2022, I learned about myself. I’m happy for it & I’m healthy for it.
Okay I’m gonna wrap this up.. I have to get ready to go housesit for a relative. Let’s list some of my favorite experiences of 2022 & some resolutions // manifestations for 2023.
2022:
these songs.. this has been my favorite year for music since .. 2016.. 2017? Such excellence.
Long Line of Ladies. Shaandiin & Rayka.. you two created a masterpiece.
A Little Devil in America: Notes In Praise of Black Performance by Hanif Adurraqib. He has this chapter about his brothers who’ve passed on. Beautiful.. inspired me to cry more.
All of the shows I performed. I returned to the essence of why I do what I do. If I had the pleasure of having you in the audience this past year, thank you!
Falling.
Piecing together this album. Lantern thru the landmines.
My family & friends. That’s Daze, that’s Shawn, that’s Xiuhtezcatl, that’s Mike, that’s Bren, that’s Fox, that’s etc. This year it was my turn to be the emotionally distraught member.. infinitude gratitude to those who were there for me when times were hard.
Shroom trip no. 3.
Moving in with Vann & DA.. my brothers.
Frank Ocean released a few of these interviews on his Blonded Radio station .. they are so powerful. He’s speaking to a collection of profound individuals about the mind, body & spirit. It energizes me to witness one of my favorite artists explore these aspects of life, notably grief. It’s just so neat & unexpected. They helped me a lot. ENERGY!
2023:
Breath work, meditation. Keeping my heart rate down.
More sports. I’m loving the catch, the basketball. Xiuhtezcatl keeps inviting me to archery. I need to actually go.
Buy my mom a house.
Album release, tour run, short film, tv show picked up, collaboration, acting gig (I got a callback.. painted nails crossed).
Communication.
Playing more instruments. Again.. slow to the obvious. As a musician, I should probably be playing more instruments. My laptop is my main!
I’d like to travel for recreation. That’s something I haven’t really gotten to do much of. Some destinations in mind: New Zealand, Japan, France.
& that’s all folks! See y’all in the new year. May this new rotation bring you joy, experience, & love.